Well I actually got my backside up and went to the doctors on Wednesday, I know I haven’t posted since then and It’s not because I have the desire to drink it’s the medication I’ve been given…………Mirtazapine wow that stuff knocks you out!!!!!!!!
I was really honest with the GP (who to be fair was actually really nice) and told her all about the drinking and the depression and the suicidal thoughts so I came away with B12, Thiamine and Mirtazapine and she’s arranged to see me again on Monday…….well not her because she’s on holiday but another GP, to make sure I’m still reasonably OK.
I am going to apologise in advance if this post makes no sense but these tablets are quite powerful and to begin with act as a sedative which is useful because I haven’t slept well for soooooooooo long.
I was a mess when I went into see her…………………and I’m still trying to work stuff out, I don’t know if the alcohol or the eating disorder or the depression is the main factor, I don’t know how they all interact and I don’t know what I’m meant to tackle first or if I should do all at once…….I’m really mixed up
OK 2 days since my last post and I’ve promised myself that no matter how I feel I’m going to keep updating this blog. I realise now that my avoidance of posting was because I wanted to drink and I didn’t want to talk myself out of it which is what I might have risked by actually putting my thoughts down in black and white.
Since Sunday I have read and read and read. I have joined stepchat.com and Women for Sobriety both online support networks and I have read the posts of bloggers I follow voraciously all of which has helped me feel a little more positive.
The one thing I’m struggling with is which route to take, or whether I should ascribe to a particular route at all and just take what I find beneficial for all the support out there. The reason I say this is my brother is a tutor for Intuitive Recovery (IR) and has a very hardline view on becoming alcohol free, a view that has worked brilliantly for him and I view I would love to have but at the moment don’t feel strong enough, at the moment I need the support and encouragement that others provide, that saying I have signed up for the programme and hope it will provide me with the strength it has provided him.
So my dilemma is do I ascribe to the AA point of view (or similar) or the IR point of view or do I mix and match……….I’m hoping that by keeping an open mind and trying all the support available that this will cease to be a dilemma and I will just naturally be drawn to the method that works best for me.
I’m still a little raw and bruised so this is a short post but I wanted to also thank all of you that posted comments of support after my last blog they helped enormously, just knowing that support is out there makes me feel stronger………….so thank you.
So, I have avoided my blog for almost a week now and I thunk that has been a subconscious build up to me drinking. I allowed myself to become arrogant, or more likely I knew deep down that I was going to slip and I couldn’t face putting my thoughts ddown in black and white knowing deep down that I was actually lying to myself. I knew that what I’d write but be what I wanted to hear but not what that evil voice in my head was actually telling me. It’s quite scary to realise how eady it was for me to lie to me, and it’s equally scary to actually sit and analyse my behaviour and thought processes, how mixed up and illogical they can actually be…….all because this nasty little part of me wanted its fix. I always knew I was capeable of lying to others in order to get booze, I’ve just never sat and thought about how I can deceive (or try to deceive) myself.
Friday was my undoing, and I did it spectacularly………a bottle of scotch later and I was a messed up paranoid wreck who felt nothing but venom. I was mean and nasty and lashed out wanting to hurt others for no reason apart from I was angry and bitter and hurting. I really never realised how horrible I am when im drunk and realising that I am capable of that sort of behavior disgusts me. I am actually a disgusting vile drunk.
Saturday was spent in a ball beating myself up……..I dont think ive felt that low before and I took myself to places in my head that I dont ever want to go to again. I’ve often thought how nice it would be to go to slepp and just not wake up again but on Saturday I contemplated far more than that, there are some websites out there that discuss suicide in a really academic way, they discuss methods, sucess rates, levels of pain……it was a really surreal experience, I was researching suicide as calmly as if I was researching a new car to buy.
I must have some fight left in me because whilst reading these websites I actually thought “it’s the alcohol thats making me feel like this” and that made me look at things a little more rationally, if the alcohol can make me feel so low that I think the world would be better off without me and turns me into a nasty hateful person what am I doing still drinking it? What benefit do I get from it? I dont even have the illusion that it makes my problems disappear whilst I’m drunk……it makes EVERYTHING worse.
I was told yesterday that I need to be kind to myself, that until I can be kind to myself I wont be able to be kind to others and I really hate the thought of not being kind to others but I know im going to struggle being kind to myself, im not sure how to start…….I suppose a good starting point would be not poisoning myself, and thats what I need to remember that I’m doing, slowly killing myself with poison and hurting those I care about in the process. I wouldn’t want to watch someone kill themselves so how can I ask others to watch me do it? That’s cruel and selfish and maybe my desire to not be a cruel person is strong enough to make me be nicer to myself so that those around me dont have to watch me hurting myself. I hope it is.
Well another day sober, I’m saying it’s getting easier but the support I’m receiving from other bloggers has been amazingly encouraging and has helped me to believe that this is something I can do.
I am also lucky enough to have found a supportive friend that is also going through a similar experience and and I hope that she has found our texts as helpful as I have in providing the support to stay strong. It was actually her that said something to me today that made me think, she asked if I considered the thought process behind how I used to spend my money, for example when making a purchase did I think about how many bottles of wine or how many cans of beer or whatever your poison of choice that you could buy with the money you were about to spend on this non alcohol related product. I hadn’t actually thought about that before but it’s true if money was short I wouldn’t spend £12 on a new top because that was 2 bottles of wine. It also made me consider my very negative but interrelated issue with food I realised that when I was drinking I deliberately limited my calorie intake via food so that I could use those calories to drink, so over the years I conditioned myself to do with less and less food so I could drink. I can’t remember the last time I ate breakfast or lunch and it got to the stage where I wouldn’t eat fat or carbohydrates with my one meal of the day because they contained a substantial amount of calories that I could use for my alcohol, no wonder I have such a fucked up attitude to food, I have conditioned my body to reject it.
The good news is that sober I am starting to work on my relationship with food, I’ve started to exercise and for the first time in as long as I can remember I’m actually hungry my body is actually telling me when I need to eat and for once I’m actually listening to my body. It feels strange but in a nice way. It feels like a positive step.
The body was actually designed as an amazing piece of equipment and if treated right will direct you to take care of it. It tells you when it’s hungry, it tells you when it’s thirsty, cold, hot, overly tired. It points you in the direction of what it needs to stay healthy. In many ways the animal kingdom have got it right……………they listen to their bodies, the eat when hungry, drink when thirsty and sleep when tired. They don’t overindulge because they listen to their bodies, they don’t deprive themselves because they listen to their bodies. As humans we seem to want to control our bodies requirements we eat at times that are socially dictated, we sleep to little very often, and we happily fill our bodies with poison because society (not nature) has dictated that this is the acceptable thing to do.
Would the world collapse if we slept when tired, ate when hungry and drank purely to quench our thirst, I’m willing to bet not, I’m willing to bet that what would happen is our bodies would fall into a healthy pattern we’d all be well rested, society would be less obese and alcohol would be looked at with disdain,why drink something that has no health benefit whatsoever and actually dehydrates you?
I think as humans we have become quite arrogant in thinking we know better than nature and I think in doing so we’ve created a lot of problems for ourselves.
My next goal is to be kinder to myself by actually listening to my body and giving it what it needs rather than trying to control it for my own self gratification
So yesterday was my assessment at the alcohol unit, they dont do things by halves! The assessment lasted an hour and a half. It was at points uncomfortable, which I’d expected but overall I think it was really beneficial. I dont think I’ve ever been really honest to anyone (not even myself) about my relationship with alcohol and I thinks talking about it has helped put it all into context.
I was always “daddy’s little girl” and from the day I was born he idolized me but my father was an alcoholic and by the time I was aged eleven he had become so bad that he would be permanently drunk, and I mean so drunk that he couldn’t walk. Consequently I no longer existed for him, his whole focus was on how to get his next fix. I never really dealt with that feeling of abandonment and the feelings of worthlessness I felt as a result. As I grew up I developed so many raging emotions that I didn’t have the skills to deal with so I expressed them in very self desrtructive ways. I started with bulimia at the age of fourteen and around the same time started cutting myself. At fifteen or sixteen I had my first drink, I wanted to fit in with the group I was hanging with at the time, although try as I might I have always been the outsider and nothing I have ever done has ever made me feel that I fit in.
I remember I didn’t even like alcohol much at the time, as soon as I was old enough to drive I readily volunteered to be the designated driver, but still there were times I felt I had to join them in their beer drinking just to try and prove I could be like them and to try and prove to myself that I wasnt as weird or as much of a misfit as I thought I was.
It didn’t really work and I can say I grew apart from these friends and I dont think I can say I’ve had a close group of friends in my life………I just always felt different. At twenty four I bought my own flat, it was the way to prove my success, hey I was doing well for myself look at what I can buy, im a grown up. This is when my heavy drinking started, I was bored and lonely, coming home from work each day to an empty flat I couldn’t face the hours of isolation that stretched ahead of me so I drank to make the time pass. I’d binge, thow up, and then drink a bottle of wine and fall asleep……..that managed to fill the evenings. Until one day I realised that this had become my life and what a sad little life it was. I tried to control my bulimia because I knew that was the abnormal behaviour, the drinking was fine everyone drank didn’t they? It was perfectly normal, so my drinking took a backseat whilst I tried to stop my bulimia. Fifteen years later and I still havent fixed my relationship with either food or alcohol, but the strange thing is having been sober for these past days food is no longer so much of an issue. Whilst sober I’ve managed to eat far more normally and far more healthily so maybe I picked the wrong battle to fight fifteen years ago.
I apologise that this post is a bit of a ramble down memory lane for me but I feel I need to get it written down so that in weeks, months, years to come I can remember the journey I undertook
Away from me
Not to anything
Driven by fear
Why is the unknown less scary?
Is it just that I can run again?
Running means not thinking
Thinking means drowning
Must make decisions
I can’t do that
I don’t know how
Who am I?
Always defined by others
What are mine?
I can’t think
Too many questions
Can’t hide forever
Then it starts again